US President

TLDR: WHO DO I WANT FOR PRESIDENT?

If you want a fierce and compassionate center-left public servant who has dedicated her life to hunting down corruption and fighting for ALL the people of the United States to finally shake off the orange-stained stench of the last eight years of MAGA hatred and vitriol and to carry us into a new age of patriotism and pride, vote for KAMALA HARRIS.

If you want to wake up every morning for the next four years in a cold sweat, wondering which democratic freedom has been stripped from your grips at the behest of an Aderall-sniffing narcissist who is too busy counting the bribes he’s taken from other despotic megalomaniacs while hacking his way around one of his tax-dodging golf courses as he rage Tweets racist, hateful, and misogynistic missives into the digital ether as the Project 2025 goons systematically institute the very system our Founding Fathers risked their lives to defeat, vote for DONALD J. TRUMP.

If you want Donald J. Trump to be President, vote for ROBERT F. KENNEDY, JR.

If you want Donald J. Trump to be President, vote for JILL STEIN.

If you want Donald J. Trump to be President, vote for CHASE OLIVER.

If you want Donald J. Trump to be President, vote for CLAUDIA DE LA CRUZ.

Kamala Harris vs. Donald Trump

KAMALA HARRIS

Background

  • Born to immigrant parents, raised in California.

  • Former attorney turned Californian politician before moving to the federal stage.

  • Is married to Doug.

  • Has no time for the dramala.

  • Likes to cook Sunday dinners with her family between eviscerating DJT and dancing out of pure joy.

Experience

  • Former Attorney General of California.

  • Former Senator of California.

  • Current Vice-President of the United States of America.

Platform

  • Advocates for comprehensive immigration reform, gun control, climate action, and social justice.

  • Her platform is about progress, inclusivity, and lifting up all Americans.

  • Seeks to enshrine the right to choose into the Constitution, supports protection of voting rights.

  • Pretty moderate as far as liberals go.

DONALD J. TRUMP

Background

  • Was given $413 million from his daddy and all he has to show for it is 6 bankruptcies, more failed businesses than failed marriages, the ugliest sneakers that have ever existed, and enough bottles of spray tan to make Diddy’s baby oil horde look tame.

  • Cheats at golf and looks horrific doing it.

  • Serial philanderer and terrible father.

  • Convicted of sexual assault and credibly accused by 26 others.

  • Known associate of accused pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

  • Is racist.

Experience

  • Known for his reality TV antics and as a real estate “mogul” who couldn’t make money off owning casinos, Trump’s "experience" in leadership is split between shouting at people on Twitter and throwing rolls of paper towels at impoverished Puerto Ricans.

  • However, was elected President by the electoral votes (not the popular vote). The four miserable years ended with MAGA supporters storming the capital while DJT stood by cheering them on.

  • Continues to lie about the election being stolen despite a complete absence of evidence or proof.

Platform

  • Responsible for the nomination of Supreme Court judges that overturned Roe v. Wade and now are causing the injuries and death of women all across the country where their primitive state governments banned their right to choose, even in cases of abortion or incest. (Fuck you, DJT.)

  • Has a crush on Putin, and looks forward to letting Putin unleash the rest of his military on eastern Europe.

  • Doesn’t actually know what he stands for, just wants attention.

  • Always has and always will do what is best for Donald J. Trump.